You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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