explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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