11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
