i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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