dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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