His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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