I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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