never play flip cup with pint glasses
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
