her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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