I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize