I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
