Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
