all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
