I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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