Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
