are you still at the devil's house?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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