I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize