I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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