Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
