I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
