OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
