Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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