I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
