you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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