Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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