Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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