if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
