apparently the secret to your success is patron
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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