false alarm. still invincible.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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