...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
