You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize