can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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