just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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