Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
