that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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