she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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