I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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