Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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