Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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