peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
