I can tuck mytits in my pants
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
