I faked an abortion last night.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
