There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize