she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
