Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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