K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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