he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
