Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
