I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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