Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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