god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I love you.
Bad choice
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
