I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love having hate sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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