So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
