its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
