We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
