Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize