I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
