My Higher Power is John Stamos
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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