I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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