Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
