If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
