Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize